• Andrew Buczek

WMU Posthumously Expels Student Who Died of COVID For Breaking Safe Return Rules

If there’s one thing WMU has set themselves up to do this semester, it’s not keeping the students safe. It’s making sure they’re allowed to blame students for pandemic deaths on the campus they kept open. They made us sign a death contract before accessing GoWMU (which is incredibly easy to get around, lmaooo), and they even did a dry run by blaming those aviation students for meeting together (in a group smaller than a full class).

At the funeral of a 19-year-old freshman who had died of COVID after exposure on campus, the WMU admin (who shall remain nameless for fear of being fired by themselves and creating an infinite time loop) told the grieving parents that “I see your tears, I hear you crying, I’m here to tell you that we have to expel your son for breaking the safe return rules. We simply can’t enable this behavior, or else it would look horrible for our stats..”

When asked by the parents if this meant WMU was taking responsibility for their death, the admin replied, while trying to hide a smug grin, “Actually your son signed the, uh, Bronco Pledge," he remembered, “so actually we are not responsible for his death. It’s all his fault. Have a safe drive home, and remember to wear a mask!”

The WMU admin also maintained that he would not be making an effort to contact trace affected people because, “If we did that then you could possibly trace that back to the campus, and honestly that would make me feel like it was my fault. I mean, I have to be able to sleep at night. Just because this is a college doesn’t mean we have to take care of our students. If college kids go out to house parties during welcome week, how could I possibly anticipate that?”

As the admin longboarded home (yeah I don’t get it either), the thought of those parents began to invade his mind. When he got home, he pulled up their WMU work pages, and brought up the main accounts page. When the admin saw the tens of thousands that each student owed them, he smiled, and all guilt was swept away by his lust for the ecstasy of material wealth.

As he drifted off to sleep, he wondered about which dreams he might have that night.

He’s just like you. But with no conscience.

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